Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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