1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
