There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
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