i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm both gender and math confused
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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