uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
