Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize