how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
