She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
