Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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