I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
