i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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