he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
