Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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