so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
