Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
