...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
