so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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