well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
