My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
