Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
