My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
