I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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