I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
