Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
