Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
