I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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