The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
