On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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