I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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