How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
