I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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