I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
