She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
We left the knife in your bed.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
