Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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