Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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