i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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