Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
