Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
