i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
