glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
