I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
