Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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