I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
