and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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