So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
