dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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