i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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