Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
