I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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