i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
