how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
