mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
