First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Randomize
