I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
