Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
