Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
