My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
