we're blogging at a bar
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
