if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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